What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
