me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
