if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
