i already hear my dad disowning me
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize