If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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