cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize