lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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