he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize