Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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