i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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