you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
