And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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