is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
