mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
