somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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