This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
