god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
