i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
