There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
