i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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