the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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