Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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