look no pants
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
