I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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