Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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