I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
