I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
