She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
