youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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