You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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