We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
