i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
