You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
