someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize