I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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