Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
