good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
