Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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