I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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