I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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