Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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