Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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