...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
