My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
