Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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