oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
