You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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