Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
