My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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