Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
