There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
