You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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