So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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