i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
