saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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