The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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