I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
