About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
