you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
