As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
