he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm too high and old for this...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
