Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
