she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
