Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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